No Pairing Left Unmocked!
by DancingKirby
Summary: There are many fics in the YuGiOh DM section that make fun of romance cliches, so I thought I'd do one for GX. Parodies both yaoi and het pairings...nothing is sacred! Chapter Nine: Part two of the Mpreg Special!
1. Chapter 1

1A/N: This fic was partially inspired by the slightly unorthodox drabbles of Roxius. However, mine will have a twist. Instead of making fics that ship a certain pairing, I will mock said pairings!

I'm focusing on the most popular het and yaoi pairings, and using dub names. I probably won't do yuri, but I'm not entirely ruling the possibility out.

Like I said in my profile, I will even mock myself in some chapters. So literally no one is safe. I'm also trying not to pick on anyone in particular. I'm focusing on cliches as a whole.

This is not my best work, nor do I intend it to be. I may even delete it after a while. It's just a little something I'm writing to take my mind off the stress of final exams.

One warning: there will be bashing of certain characters as running jokes. It is NOT because I dislike these characters; I'm just making fun of how others bash them.

Geez, if I keep this up, the author's notes will be longer than the actual drabble. So on with the mockery!

Disclaimer: I don't own GX, and any resemblance to actual stories is (sort of) coincidential.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Drabble #1

JadenxSyrus

Syrus was very, very depressed. He felt the worst he had ever felt in his life. Words could not express the sheer depth of his depression.

What could possibly be the cause of this depression? It had to be something profound. What else could make Syrus be huddling under the shower, sobbing, with his clothes still on?

Yes, people, it was the worst thing that could ever possibly happen. You see, the tragic incident had occurred at lunchtime. Syrus had been so innocent and unsuspecting. But then IT HAD HAPPENED!

Jaden had taken the last serving of liver and onions right in front of Syrus's eyes! Jaden knew very well just how much Syrus liked liver and onions, so there was only one possible conclusion: Jaden hated him. Syrus just couldn't face life at the Academy anymore now that Jaden had betrayed him so thoroughly.

It didn't even occur to Syrus that maybe Jaden was just being a bit careless.

Syrus got out of the shower. He was so full of angst, he left the water running. He had reached a firm decision: he was running away. He would go far, far away, and never ever come back! Maybe he would even change his name and move to Paraguay. Wait a minute...where _was_ Paraguay?

This thought made Syrus even angstier. Not even had his best friend betrayed him, but he was now horrible at geography!

Syrus was so filled with liver-and-Paraguay-induced sadness that he was getting a bit clumsy. As he was putting his Dark Magician Girl card into his running-away suitcase, his elbow hit the "on" button on his clock radio.

The radio just happened to be set to a station that was playing a generic angsty song. The lyrics interrupted the story because they were just that important.

_Angst Angstity ANGST_

_Angst Emo More Angst_

_Angst Angst Blood_

_Emo Angst WHYYY?_

Syrus grew even sadder listening to these generic lyrics. The song was starting to give him an idea. Why should he just run off to Paraguay, when he could end his life for good?

With that thought, Syrus dramatically opened a drawer on his night table, and took out a butcher knife. Syrus wasn't quite sure just what a butcher knife was doing in his room, but he decided to just go along with it.

Syrus then spent a good fifteen minutes just staring blankly at the knife. If he just ended his life now, it would kill all the suspense and dramatic tension. Also, if he did this too soon, Jaden wouldn't be able to burst into the room just in time and save Syrus.

Syrus snorted. What were the chances of that happening? He decided that there was no more use in prolonging his fate.

He slowly positioned the knife blade against his wrists, because his other body parts weren't nearly emo enough to work.

Just then, Jaden burst into the room just in time and saved Syrus.

It's funny how these things work.

"Why are you doing this, Syrus?" Jaden bellowed melodramtically.

Syrus replied, "You BETRAYED me, Jaden! You stole my liver and onions! There's no reason for me to be on this earth anymore."

Jaden looked confused. He said, "Why didn't you just ask me if you could have it?"

"Jaden, I have a reputation to hold up! Just asking wouldn't be emo enough."

"Um...okay then. I'm sorry, I guess."

Syrus's angstiness suddenly evaporated. Now, all his problems were solved for the rest of his life, and there was no way he had any underlying depression that could have triggered all this in the first place. Nothing could go wrong now that Jaden had apologized!

The radio was still spouting out loud, generic angsty song lyrics (the radio station was having an emo marathon that afternoon). Jaden noticed this and unplugged the radio. He then threw it out the window, where it hit Bastion on the head.

"Ouch!" said Bastion in his usual fake accent.

Syrus and Jaden wondered who had said that, but shrugged it off. Jaden then declared his undying love for Syrus, which he had just become aware of in the past three minutes. Then, Jaden and Syrus proceeded to make out for the next eleven days. Even though neither of them had kissed anybody before, everything went perfectly and no one made any mistakes.

And so, things all ended happily for everyone. Except for Bastion, of course.

THE END

A/N: Now how is that for a bunch of cliches? Don't worry, there's plenty more popular pairings left to mock! I'm already getting ideas for JadenxAlexis, JadenxChazz, and ZanexSyrus, among others.

Please don't flame me if you are a fan of any of these pairings. Chances are, I'll also get to lampooning pairings you don't like.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I was originally planning to do JadenxAlexis this chapter, but I realized I actually have to read some more JadenxAlexis fics to see what all the cliches are. Therefore, I am going to do a pairing whose cliches I'm more familiar with...JadenxChazz!

Disclaimer: I don't own GX, though sometimes I wish I could be on the writing staff to help fill in plotholes.

Drabble #2

JadenxChazz

It was a beautiful day at Duel Academy, and Chazz had just beaten a Random Faceless Opponent in a duel.

"Oh yeah, uh-HUH, who da man!" said Chazz in a quite un-Chazz-like manner as he swung his hips around in what was supposed to be a victory dance. Instead, it just had the effect of making all the guys in the audience horny.

"CHAZZ IT UP! CHAZZ IT UP!" they shouted while desperately trying to control their nosebleeds by pinching their noses shut.

Just then, storm clouds rolled in, covering the previously cloudless sky. Thunder rumbled ominously.

"Hey, what does a thunderstorm have to do with 'Chazz it up'?" Jaden wondered out loud. Syrus shrugged in reply.

Suddenly, because some comic relief was needed, a bolt of lightning randomly struck Bastion on the head.

Fortunately, Bastion's hair acted like a lightning rod, so he was not seriously hurt. But his hair was pretty messed up.

Everyone spent a good five minutes pointing at Bastion's bad hair day and laughing, because it's always so hilarious when bad stuff happens to him. But then, when the laughter finally died down and Bastion slunk away, people noticed something.

Chazz had disappeared.

Jaden immediately went to look for him. He just had this ominous feeling that Chazz might be sitting in the Slifer dorm, sobbing while carving the alphabet in his arm with a pocketknife. He didn't know where he'd gotten that idea, though.

Nah, it was a silly idea-Chazz was too proud to do something like that!

Well, it couldn't hurt to just go see.

A gruesome sight greeted Jaden when he got back to the dorm.

Chazz was sprawled on a bed in a tragic yet homoerotic way. One of his hands was holding a blood-stained pocketknife, and the other arm was turned in such a way that Jaden could read what had been cut into it with the knife:

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRS...

And that was all.

"Hey Chazz, where did the rest of the letters go?" Jaden asked.

Apparently, Chazz was more conscious than he had looked, since he promptly snapped, "I ran out of room on my arm, Slacker!"

"But couldn't you put the rest of the letters on your other arm?"

"Well, it's hard to think when you're bleeding to death, Slacker! Hey, I like that word. I think I'll say it some more. Slacker, Slacker, Slacker!"

Jaden blinked.

Just then, Chazz stopped repeating his new favorite word and said, "You know, I wasn't kidding about the bleeding to death part. If you take me to the hospital now, we can get there just in time for me to be dying dramatically in your arms, only to be brought back from the brink of death with a defibrillator. And then I'll be fine after about thirty minutes of resting."

"Um...okay" Jaden said. He did as Chazz said, even though he wasn't sure just what a defibrillator was.

ONE HOUR LATER

After Chazz had been brought dramatically back to life just how he had described it, the nurse stepped out of the room. This meant that Jaden and Chazz were alone in the room.

Jaden paused for a few minutes to let the camera zoom in on his face, then whispered, "Chazz...why did you do this to yourself?"

"It's none of your business," Chazz grumbled.

"Can you please tell me?"

"No."

"Pretty please?"

"NO!"

"Pretty please with a cherry on top and sugar on it?"

"Okay, okay, I'll tell you!"

After Chazz had been convinced via Jaden's expert method of interrogation, he burst into dramatic and emo tears.

"The reason I tried to kill myself is...I was raped by every single male in this school except for you! And half of the girls too!" Chazz sobbed in a very uke-like way.

Jaden was shocked. Then something horrifying occurred to him.

"Chazz...when you say 'every male in this school', does that include Pharaoh?"

The traumatized look on Chazz's face was more than enough for an answer.

Jaden pointed up at the ceiling while shouting, "NNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" in his best Darth Vader voice.

"And that's not all..." Chazz whimpered, "I also have a terminal case of throat cancer from smoking too much! The doctors say I only have three months to live. What's more, the cancer is totally ruining my voice!"

Jaden replied, "Oh no! And here I was thinking that your voice sounded different because you got a new voice actor!"

"Huh?"

"Never mind."

There was an awkward silence that lasted for quite a long time. Jaden noticed that the nurse was still conspicuously gone.

"Chazz..." he said seductively.

"NOW what, Slacker?"

"We're all alone...guess what that means?"

"It means that the nurse is having a really long lunch break?"

"No, Chazz...it means we can have Magical Healing Sex (TM)!"

Chazz gave this offer deep thought for all of 1.9 seconds before cheerfully saying, "Okay!"

He had conveniently forgotten his undying love for Alexis.

The Magical Healing Sex (TM) was so perfect that it healed EVERYTHING that was wrong with Chazz. It healed the trauma of being raped by every male on the island including Pharaoh, the wounds on his arm, and even his terminal throat cancer. And even if it hadn't healed those things, they would have just become ignored one-time plot devices anyway.

Chazz, of course, was the uke. He's always the uke, because the world would explode if it were any other way.

And, once again, everybody lived happily ever after (except for Bastion).

THE END


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: And now it's time for everyone's favorite pairing-JadenxAlexis!

(Crickets chirp)

Not much more to say, really.

Disclaimer: I don't own GX. If you were thinking I'd be saying a joke now, you're mistaken. I'm fresh out of disclaimer jokes.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

One uneventful day at Duel Academy, Atticus was thinking up an Evil Plan.

He was hidden away in his Secret Lair (which was actually a broom closet, but who was keeping track?). He was also wearing the outfit he always wore when thinking up Evil Plans. This outfit consisted of a feather boa, leather pants with sequins on them, and, perhaps most importantly, a pink T-shirt that said "LOLZ I'M GAY!" on it.

Now...all he had to do was think up an actual plan.

His previous Evil Plan had been taking pictures of Alexis when she was in one of the hot springs. That plan had not worked so well-it had taken days for Atticus to get the mace out of his eyes.

The Evil Plan before that had not been much more effective. Atticus's memory of it was slightly hazy, because Alexis had given him a nasty concussion. But he did remember that it had involved whipped cream.

Atticus had forgotten the first rule of Evil Plans at the time: nothing good ever happens when whipped cream is involved.

Suddenly, it hit him! He had just come up with the Evil plan to end all Evil Plans. This was his best idea yet.

Now, all he had to do was find that tuxedo...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

At precisely 3:19 PM and 47 seconds, a scream was heard around the entire island.

"AAAHHHH! HELP MEEEEE!"

Alexis came running out of the woods, tears streaming from her face. She was so upset, she had forgotten all her previous rules about being independent and self-willed. Soon, she reached a spot where Jaden and Atticus just happened to be walking by.

"OMG IT'S HORRIBLE!" Alexis sobbed. And yes, she did pronounce it like "oh-em-gee."

Atticus asked, "Hey, what's wrong, sis?" No one even noticed that he was holding something behind his back where Alexis couldn't see it.

Alexis, who was still too sad to talk in lower-case letters, screamed, "CHAZZ FLASHED MEEEEEE!"

A random voice from the woods answered, "I did not!"

"YES YOU DID!"

"But someone stole my belt!"

Atticus curled the hand that was behind his back, which just so happened to be holding a belt. He was quite pleased. Step One of the Evil Plan had been a total success. Now, as soon as Alexis stopped talking in caps-lock, it would be time to move onto Step Two.

Eventually, Alexis did calm down somewhat. But without a boyfriend, she felt lost. She needed love to survive! If she didn't have a boyfriend, who would star in fluffy one-shots involving rainbows and chocolate ice cream?

Yes, it was official. Alexis had to find a boyfriend as soon as possible; preferably within the next half-hour. But who would be the lucky guy?

Atticus grinned an Evil Grin. He knew just what his sister was thinking. After all, he liked boys as much as she did, so he had some insight into situations like these. Now would be the perfect time for Step Two.

Atticus stealthily put the belt into one of the back pockets of his jeans, paused briefly to consider the slight innuendo of this action, then snapped his fingers behind his back.

A cloud of pink sparks randomly surrounded Jaden, and when it abated, he had undergone a magical transformation! Yes...Jaden was wearing a Sonic the Hedgehog costume!

Wait...what? Oops, wrong outfit.

Atticus sheepishly snapped his fingers again, as Jaden and Alexis blinked in confusion. The pink sparks surrounded Jaden once more. There...now THAT was the right outfit!

Jaden was dressed in a tuxedo. The jacket and pants were made out of gray wool, the shirt was white linen, and the tie was silk with yellow smiley faces on it. All of this was very important to Atticus. He had made the whole outfit himself, after all.

But most importantly, the tuxedo was perfectly tailored, and showed off all of Jaden's rippling, sexy muscles.

Wait a minute, does Jaden even have rippling, sexy muscles? Well, he has them now.

Alexis saw all this, and her problems were immediately solved. She had never noticed before just how sexy and debonair Jaden was!

"Alexis, my dah-ling," said Jaden in a posh accent, "I am here for you."

Alexis's eyes turned into hearts due to all the suaveness.

In the woods, Chazz shouted, "Hey! No fair!"

Alexis ran over to Jaden in slow motion, with pink clouds and sparkles in the background. As soon as she reached him, they made out for the next several hours.

Atticus quickly moved on to Step Three. He took 11290311332 pictures of Jaden and Alexis making out, then ran back to his room. He turned on his computer, and downloaded all of the pictures on his Myspace page.

Atticus also tried to post a video of himself singing, but for some reason the computer refused to download it. It kept spitting the disk back out, then crashing.

Oh well. Forget about the singing...Atticus's Evil Plan had been a success! Now he would rule Myspace for at least two hours.

Atticus thought about doing an Evil Laugh, but decided it was too cliched. Instead, he started looking for gay porn.

A month later, Alexis became pregnant, and she and Jaden automatically became mature, responsible adults who could afford to raise a baby. Alexis had no pregnancy complications, and she soon had twins, who were named Mary Sue and Gary Stu. Everyone was happy forevermore.

THE END

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

EPILOGUE

Bastion looked out from his hiding place. Everything seemed okay, so he cautiously emerged into the open.

"Could it be...?" He said to himself, "Could a whole chapter have just gone by without me getting hit by anything?"

Just then, a random ice cream truck fell out of the sky and landed right on top of Bastion.

Bastion only said one word as he crawled out from under the truck:

"Bugger."

A/N: This chapter was tough to write. I had a good portion of it done before I realized it wasn't working. So I had to delete it all and start over again. That's why it took so long for me to post it.

I was thinking of writing ZanexSyrus next, then maybe BastionxChazz, then FrodoxSam.

Whoops, wrong fandom.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: As much as I wanted to write this chapter, it took me forever to come up with a plot. Of course, the word "plot" is relatively speaking, but I still had to spend at least a few minutes on it.

So anyway...this chapter is ZanexSyrus. It'll be a bit dialogue-heavy, since a lot of fics with this pairing have that tendency. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I don't own GX. If I happen to create new cliches in this story, I apologize in advance.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One night, Syrus was standing beside the lighthouse in deep thought.

Yeah, real original. One might guess that the lighthouse area would be crowded, since everyone in the whole friggin school seems to go there all the time to mull over their thoughts. However, tonight it was vacated due to a plot device.

The same plot device caused Zane to find himself arriving at the lighthouse as well. He had been planning to just stand around and look emo. However, once he saw Syrus, he felt obligated to start a conversation.

"Hello, Syrus," he said in a monotonous voice.

"Hello, brother dearest," replied Syrus in the same tone.

"How was your day?"

"It was fine."

"What do you think about..." here Zane rustled some sheets of paper, "the new baseball field?"

Here Syrus paused.

Finally, he said, "Maybe it wasn't such a good idea reading from these scripts after all, Zane."

Zane agreed, and both brothers tossed their extremely dull and stilted scripts into the wind. The papers blew into Bastion's face. Since the author is feeling lazy, nothing else of note happened to Bastion in this chapter (for which he is very thankful).

Now that Syrus didn't have to follow the words on the script, he performed his trademark maneuver: he burst into emo tears.

"I can't go on like this anymore!" he sobbed.

"Neither can I," replied Zane somberly, "It's time we admitted our true feelings to each other."

"Huh?"

"Syrus...I randomly decided over the past thirty seconds that I am in love with you."

Syrus looked confused.

"Um...okay. I was just upset because I ran out of my favorite shampoo, and I keep having to use Jaden's kind until I can buy some more. But I guess incest will work fine too!"

There was a pause. Then, it was time for the obligatory conversation about religion that everyone skips over anyway, because they want to get to the good parts.

"Um...Zane, you do know we're going to Hell, right?"

"Yep."

"Okay, good. I just wanted us to be on the same page!" Syrus made a facial expression like this: nn

Then, Zane and Syrus shared a Magical Incestuous Kiss, which used its magical powers to teleport them to Zane's room.

The Magical Incestuous Sex which followed can be best described by the following generic purple prose:

Blah blah blah angel, blah blah honey, blah blah rosebuds, blah blah tight virgin entrance, blah blah blah blah.

(Random A/N that has nothing to do with anything whatsoever: Awww, how cute! LOL)

They didn't use lube. Magical Incestuous Sex requires no lube to work its magic. They didn't use condoms either, since only silly people worry about STDs.

When all was said and done (but mostly done), Zane and Syrus fell asleep, not even pausing to consider what would happen if someone barged into Zane's room and found them together.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning, Zane and Syrus had Magical Incestuous Sex eleven times in five minutes, ignoring their morning breath. It could be described by the same purple prose as before, except omitting the word "virgin".

After that, Zane decided to randomly use some fangirl Japanese to give the story an air of sophistication.

"Syrus...you're so kawaii."

However, Syrus was not as used to fangirl Japanese as was his brother.

"Ka...what? What does that mean, Zane?"

"It's an over-used Japanese word that means 'cute'."

"Oh. I thought it was some sort of tropical fruit-flavored liqueur or something."

"Nope."

For the first time in hours, there was a short amount of time that was not filled by sleep or Magical Incestuous Sex. Then they decided that it was time to get ready for class.

Once in class, they started making out in the middle of Crowler's lecture. No one thought that this was unusual.

The next day, Zane and Syrus got engaged. Syrus wore a ring that had a pretty pink diamond on it. No one thought that any of this was odd either. After all, it was only their love that mattered. Who cared if said love was technically illegal and could get Zane thrown in jail? Also, who cared that diamonds weren't supposed to be pink?

A week later, they had the wedding. Naturally, Syrus wore the dress. Alexis was the bridesmaid, Jaden was the best man, Chazz was the flower girl, and Pharaoh was the ring-bearer. Bastion wasn't invited.

The honeymoon took place in Hawaii. It was very pleasant, once they got Atticus to stop stalking them with his camera. When they got back, Syrus was pregnant. It was never explained just how this happened, since that might take actual research. Instead, everyone just took it for granted that a guy could have a biologically impossible pregnancy.

Zane and Syrus dropped out of school and settled down in a nice little cottage out in the country. Comical, fluffy pregnancy-related hijinks and banter resulted. Since the magic of the incestuous sex had made this an AU, Zane did not turn into Hell Kaiser. The baby was a beautiful girl, and displayed no genetic mutations due to inbreeding. Syrus had no lasting bad health, despite the fact that he had carried a seven-pound baby in his large intestine.

They had wanted to name the baby "Mary Sue", but Jaden and Alexis had already taken that name for _their _baby. So they settled on the next best name: Kawaii Zana Truesdale. Everyone agreed that this was just about the best name ever, and proceeded to live happily ever after for the fourth time.

THE END


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I'm not in the best mood today. Therefore, I decided to vent all my frustration by writing this chapter. Someone said my writing was bad; well, I'll get back at him by writing this extremely random chapter, which will contain equally random crossovers!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day, Chazz and Bastion bumped into each other on the way to class. Usually, if this happened, they would just shrug it off and go their merry ways. However, today they were both itching for a fight.

"Hey! Watch it!" said Chazz indignantly.

Bastion ran some equations through his head, trying to come up with the best, snarkiest, most intelligent answer. Finally, he arrived at a solution.

"No, YOU watch it!" he retorted.

He'd have to work on fine-tuning those equations some more, though.

Of course, all Chazz could say now was "Your mama!"

Bastion didn't need equatons to find an answer for this one. The answer was so obvious.

"You're your own mama, Chazz!"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means that you're a woman!"

"No I'm not!"

"Well, you sure look like one!"

"I do not!"

"Would you like to prove it to me?"

"YOU PERVERT!"

"I think the lady doth protest too much."

"No I'm not...hey, WAIT A MINUTE! All right, you're gonna get it now!"

And so it continued in this vein for hours. Class was forgotten about, because no one ever went there to begin with. Soon, there were hundreds of students watching this entertaining fight.

After it had been going on for an hour, popcorn vendors started appearing in the crowd. After another hour, hot dogs and beer went on sale too.

One student thought about throwing his beer cup at Chazz, but decided against it. This wasn't the NBA, after all.

After three hours, people started getting bored. Neither of the boys had even thrown a punch at each other, so what was the point of watching? What was worse, the insults were getting progressively lamer.

"Your mama!"

"No, your mama!"

"No, YOUR mama!"

Just then, the same Random Faceless guy whom Chazz defeated in Chapter Two decided to make this a bit more interesting.

"Hey, why are you two fighting in the first place?" he shouted from amongst the crowd.

Chazz and Bastion had to think about that for a while.

Finally, Chazz volunteered, "Um...because I was horny?"

Bastion shouted, "Well, you can't be horny!"

"And why not?"

"Because I'M horny!"

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, really!"

"Well, I love you!"

"I love you, too!"

Then, Bastion and Chazz randomly started making out. All the girls in the crowd (and some of the guys) got instant, life-threatening nosebleeds.

Then, Bastion grunted like a caveman. Chazz looked up at him adoringly, with big shiny uke-ish eyes. He didn't mind a bit as Bastion dragged him back to the Ra dorm by the hair. In fact, he was loving every second of it!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1 Week Later

Chazz had been completely uke-ified.

As much as he had protested being called a woman before, he now seemed to enjoy the role very much. He wore a different costume every day. One day, he had been a nurse. The next day, he had worn a leather dominatrix outfit (though woe to him if he tried to do any actual dominating!).

However, today he was wearing his best outfit yet. Yes, today, to commemorate his one-week anniversary with Bastion, Chazz was cosplaying as Baby Spice! He had his hair in those two ponytails and everything.

Currently, Chazz was sitting in Bastion's room, surfing the Internet. He couldn't go anywhere in the school without asking Bastion first. In fact, he even had to check with Bastion before using the bathroom. Not that he'd want to defy his darling boyfriend, of course. All of his free will had disappeared right along with his former masculine personality

He had just found some very fascinating and profound information when Bastion walked into the room.

"Hey Bastion, have you heard that the Spice Girls might be reuniting? That way, we could all cosplay! You could be Sporty, and that Amazoness person could be Ginger, and..."

Bastion walked across the room and slapped Chazz's face.

"Don't you dare talk to me without getting my permission first! Do you understand, slut?"

"Yes, sir," whispered Chazz. He didn't mention how ironic it was that Bastion had slapped him just as he was bringing up the name of the Amazoness.

Just in case Chazz didn't believe him, Bastion said, "Grrr...I'm EVIL! Now, come have Magical I Hate You Sex with me, whore."

Chazz didn't say anything, because Bastion had not yet given him permission to speak. But he happily did what Bastion told him.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

18382190 rounds of Magical I Hate You Sex later...

Bastion and Chazz were finally tired out. For all they knew, they could have been going at it for so long that the rest of the human race had become extinct. But they wouldn't have minded. As long as Bastion had Chazz to be his willing punching bag, everything was right in the world.

However, no happiness could last forever. Just as the two boys were falling asleep, there came a ferocious knock on the door.

"Open up!" shouted a voice from outside the room.

Bastion glared at Chazz.

"Did you plan this disturbance, bitch?" he asked. Chazz shook his head, tears brimming in his eyes because he had angered his master.

The annoying knocking continued, so Bastion put his pants on and went to answer the door.

As soon as he opened it, a blond, middle-aged guy burst into the room. His outstretched arm held a gun, which was pointed at Bastion's face.

"Bastion Misawa, I hereby place you under arrest for being an OOC plot device!" said the guy in a raspy voice.

Bastion and Chazz both blinked. For some reason everyone was just frozen in place. Then, Chazz started laughing.

"Hey...you're that guy from that TV show! And we're all frozen in place because it's a commercial break!"

No one understood what he was saying. Bastion started to tell Chazz to be quiet, but the older guy silenced him.

"I'm sorry, but I'm not sure what you are referring to. My name is Jack Bauer, from the CTU. I was sent here specifically to arrest this young man for being an OOC plot device. I'm not sure what that even means, but my superiors told me it was very important."

Chazz replied, "I knew it! You're that guy from '24'!"

Jaden randomly shouted, "Cool! 24 was the grade I got on my last test!"

Chazz, Bastion, and Jack Bauer said simultaneously, "How did you get in here?"

Jaden shrugged.

Just then, the commercial break ended. The author decided to end this chapter right here and now due to excess silliness, a la Monty Python, and a blank screen fell over everyone.

THE END

Epilogue

A bunch of female Academy students squealed, "OMG, it's Jack Bauer!"

As Jack started to run away from the fangirls, he muttered to himself, "You know, I think I would have been preferred being tortured by terrorists for the millionth time over this assignment..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: I think that may have been a bit too random... O.o But anyway, I feel slightly less frustrated now, so maybe the next chapter will return to the normal amount of randomness.


	6. Chapter 6

* * *

A/N: I'm pretty sure that this will be the last chapter. I was originally planning on writing ChazzxAlexis, but I just don't have any new ideas for mocking it. Sorry for the long wait...I hope it will be worth it!

* * *

Once upon a time, there was a guy named Hell Kaiser. Well, technically, since this is dubverse, he actually isn't called Hell Kaiser. But everyone calls him that anyway, because it sounds cool. 

Now, the thing you have to understand about Hell Kaiser is...he. Is. Evil. His evilness knows no bounds. You want to know _just_ how evil he is? He rapes kittens, kills them, and drinks their blood! Now is that evil or what?!

Currently, Hell Kaiser was at Academy Island, showing everyone the true extent of his dark heart.

"LOLZ I AM EVIL! PH34R!" he shouted triumphantly as he raped Chazz, Aster, Pharaoh, and Jack Bauer...all at the same time.

Yes, it was a time of peril indeed. But little did the Academy know just how weird things were going to get soon.

* * *

On another part of the island, Jaden and Alexis were having an argument of epic proportions. 

"It's called Royalshipping!"

"No, it's called Oceanshipping!"

"ROYALSHIPPING!"

"OCEANSHIPPING!"

Yes...as odd as it may seem, Jaden and Alexis were arguing over the true name of the ZanexAlexis shipping. However, the argument was fruitless. The true name of that shipping is one of the great mysteries of life. In fact, it's SO mysterious that it makes the "Chicken and the Egg" riddle seem easy to solve.

However, Jaden and Alexis had not figured that out, and continued to duke it out.

"It HAS to be Oceanshipping! You know, because of the lighthouse?"

"Pfft...that's not important! The best name is Royalshipping, because of the whole high-ranking Obelisk thing!"

"IT'S OCEANSHIPPING!"

"NO, IT'S ROYALSHIPPING!"

Naturally, Atticus was watching all of this with great glee. He was in need of new photos for his Myspace page, since the pictures of Jaden and Alexis making out had been up there for three whole chapters (Mary Sue and Gary Stu had fallen into a plothole, since they would just get in the way for this chapter). Now would be the perfect time to get some new material!

Meanwhile, Jaden and Alexis had finally gotten fed up.

"Okay, you know what? I hate you! I don't want to see you ever again! You're MEEEAAAN!"

That, of course, was Alexis, since Jaden only says things like that when he's the uke in a yaoi fic.

"FINE!" Jaden shouted in reply. "I don't want to ever see YOU again either!"

Thus, they both stormed off their separate ways.

Atticus almost wet himself in glee. Okay, check that, he actually _did_ wet himself in glee.

"Now...to put my Evil Plan into action! Who should I hook Alexis up with next? Hey, I've got an idea! What about my ex-lover, Zane? Atticus, you're a genius!"

He ran off excitedly, belatedly realizing that he had forgotten to wear his Evil Plan outfit. Oh well.

* * *

Hell Kaiser was still being as evil as ever. Atticus may have been proud of his own Evil Plans, but they paled in comparison to Hell Kaiser. Hell Kaiser is SO evil, even Chuck Norris is afraid of him! 

After a while, he paused in his evildoing to take a breather. He had raped everybody on the island (except for Alexis, Jaden and Atticus), tortured Aster in the most erotic way possible, flossed his teeth with a puppy's brainstem, and pushed Bastion out of a ten-story building. Bastion had survived, but no one cared.

Just how more evil could he get? And how many times will the author use the word "evil" in this chapter?! Well, probably plenty more for both, since the chapter is only about halfway done.

Hell Kaiser then decided that, as long as there wasn't anyone around to rape, he'd go to the lighthouse and look emo. This move was so predictable, that Atticus was already at the lighthouse, ready to put his plan into action.

Hell Kaiser was delighted when he saw this! He'd thought that he'd gotten around to raping everybody, but he had apparently missed someone. So he took the time to rape Atticus as well. Atticus didn't mind, since he was just a slut anyway.

Thankfully, they had both put their clothes on by the time Alexis happened upon them.

"OMG I CAN'T GO ON!" she shouted in melodramatic caps-lock glory.

Hell Kaiser decided not to rape her just yet, since even evil people such as him have a refractory period. Instead, he glared at her icily and asked, "Why should I care?"

Atticus quickly scribbled something on a piece of paper and handed it to Alexis. Confused, Alexis read the words out loud.

"Um...because I love you?"

This changed everything. Zane randomly decided that he didn't want to be evil anymore...it was sort of overrated anyway. His Hell Kaiser clothes magically melted away and were replaced with his old boring school uniform. All of the kittens and puppies he had murdered magically came back to life and started frolicking around Alexis and Zane in joy as they made out for so long that they would later have to separate their lips with a crowbar.

Atticus then took so many pictures of this kawaii scene that his camera exploded. But he decided that it didn't matter, since Zane and Alexis would be a couple for all of eternity. Eternity gave plenty more opportunities to take pictures.

He just hoped that Alexis and Zane would never get on the topic of what to name their shipping...because then this whole mess would start all over again.

But they didn't, it didn't, and everyone lived happily ever after.

* * *

EPILOGUE 

"So?" The author said brightly at Bastion, "what do you think?"

Bastion scanned the latest chapter. Finally he said, "With all due respect, it's a load of rubbish. You just recycled a bunch of ideas from Chapter Three! Where's the originality? And by the way, didn't 'Family Guy' already use this self-mocking epilogue technique in the Star Wars episode?"

The author pouted.

"Is that all you have to say?" she replied. " Okay...I guess we'll have to try something new. Maybe you and I should have a sugar-high, script format conversation, which will cause the reviewers to post agonizingly long, sugar-high, script-format reviews. What do you think?"

"Thanks, but I think I'll pass," said Bastion with plenty of British dry humor. He walked off the screen, where he was promptly arrested by Jack Bauer.

THE (real) END


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: As it turns out, I had to do another chapter in this fic! I did think it was done for a while, but then the JessexJaden badfic started piling up. If I let that pairing get by unmocked, the title of this story would be a lie! And we can't have that happen.

But after this, I think it really IS the end...barring unforeseen cliche developments later on.

* * *

Jaden was sitting on his bed. He was also cutting himself, for reasons that will be revealed in a flashback. Not the most exciting narrative hook ever, but who needs narrative hooks when there's blood?

For yes, there was blood everywhere. Every single square inch of Jaden's bedsheets was soaked in blood. So was his pillowcase. The walls looked like they had gotten a new red paintjob. Not even the ceiling had gone untainted.

Being a main character could be both a blessing and a curse, and Jaden was sure finding out the curse side right about now. He had been cutting himself for hours, his arms were ripped to shreds, and he STILL wasn't dead! Yes, apparently he had an unlimited supply of blood, just so he couldn't be killed off.

Now was the perfect time for an angsty song. Jaden began singing in a very loud, off-key voice (though he wasn't nearly as bad as Atticus):

_I HATE LIFE!_

_I WANT TO KILL MYSELF!_

_I FEEL NUMB!_

He cut himself again, just to prove how numb he was.

_LIFE IS MEANINGLESS!_

_ANGSTANGSTANGSTANGGGSSSSTTTTTTT!_

He cut himself yet again.

_I'M DROWNING IN A SEA OF BLOOOOOD!_

He cut himself _again._ And let me tell you, it's not easy to simultaneously hold a high note and slash at one's wrist. But Jaden was so angsty, he managed to pull it off.

_I AM A FALLEN ANGEL OF ANGST...AND MORE BLOOD!_

And then, in a sheer burst of originality, Jaden cut himself a fourth time.

This cycle would have continued indefinitely if Jaden had not heard footsteps. Apparently, this unknown person was walking very slowly, for it took him/her/it twenty dramatic minutes to walk down the hall. Finally, though, Jesse Anderson burst into the room (dramatically, of course). Despite walking so slowly, he was out of breath.

"Hey, sugarface, guess what? I have some good news! I got myself checked out, and as it turns out I don't have gonorr...JADEN, WHAT IS THIS ON THE FLOOR?!"

For Jesse had stepped into the three-inch deep puddle of blood that covered the whole floor of Jaden's room.

Jesse then noticed that Jaden's arms basically looked like ground beef, and he stood quietly for a few minutes, trying to think of the perfect dramatic thing to say. He figured that if Jaden was going to die, he would have done so already.

Finally, he came up with the perfect metaphor. It was SO original! He bet that no one had ever used anything similar.

"Why would my perfect angel do this to himself?"

The shocking originality went over Jaden's head, because he was so angsty.

"Oh, Jesse, it's horrible! But I can't tell you now, because that would ruin the suspense! I know...I'll have a flashback instead."

Jesse scratched his head.

"Okay, then...can you at least tell me what's going on in the flashback?"

Jaden rolled his eyes.

"Of course not! You'll have to wheedle out the truth from me over the course of several chapters! But the author doesn't have time for that, so don't interrupt me anymore!"

* * *

FLASHBACK

Jaden was the most miserable child on the planet. If this were another fandom, this would have resulted in him getting fairy godparents. Alas, in this universe, there were no fairies to be had.

Jaden's dad was an abusive construction worker. His mom had died of cancer. For some reason, everyone thought that this was Jaden's fault.

But _then_ there was Jaden's perfect older brother. He was a champion quarterback, basketball player, and ice-fisher. He had also found the cure for cancer, but it had been TOO LATE to save his mother. Everyone always reminded Jaden of this.

"Jaden, you piece of filth," they would say, "Your perfect older brother found the cure for cancer! But it's TOO LATE to save your mother, since you KILLED HER! Maybe if you're lucky, your perfect older brother will find a way to bring her back from the dead."

Jaden's one solace in life was soccer. Well, that and Duel Monsters, but the author is just going to ignore the latter. He had won several soccer trophies, but his father was not impressed. As far as his father was concerned, soccer was only for David Beckham and that weird guy who headbutted that other guy.

Every time innocent, trusting Jaden brought home a trophy for the award shelf, his father would say, "Get that gay thing away from your brother's awards! It might contaminate them!"

Innocent, trusting, Jaden would then invariably say, "FUCK YOU!" and storm off in tears to snort cocaine. Then he would break the mirror that held the cocaine lines and use it to cut himself.

Keep in mind that this was all on a good day.

Yes, Jaden's childhood was horrible. Who cares how he got to Duel Academy; the important thing is his tragic past! Oh, the humanity!

END FLASHBACK.

* * *

"Okay, Jesse, you can talk now," present-day Jaden said.

But before Jesse could say anything, Chazz stormed in the room.

"Okay, slacker, you're going to get it now!" he shouted as he sloshed through the puddle of blood.

By now, Jaden's wounds had pretty much healed, so he was back to his usual facade of stupidity.

"Um...hi, Chazz! Why are you mad at me?"

Steam came out of Chazz's ears.

"Why? WHY? Because you put the toilet paper on the wrong way, that's why! It's supposed to unroll from the top, not the bottom. When it unrolls from the bottom, it breaks off after like two sheets! Do you have any idea how annoying that is?!"

Jaden shook his head. But Chazz wasn't done just yet.

"Do you know what this means? This means I have to rape you! TRANSFORM!!!"

Chazz's eyes turned red, his teeth grew into fangs, and a cute little cat tail grew out of the seat of his pants. (He would have to work on fixing that last one to make it more threatening.)

"GRAWWR!" Chazz roared, "I am Super Youkai Vampire Werewolf Neko Chazz! And now it's time for some rape!"

Jesse stood in front of Jaden.

"Not if I can help it!" he yelled. "No one hurts my cutesy angelsugarplum! For I am Super Gay Redneck Jesse! TRANSFORM!"

He struck a dramatic pose. Nothing happened. Super Youkai Vampire Werewolf Neko Chazz facefaulted.

"You know what? You win. I'll just go hump a tree."

He stomped out, leaving Jaden alone with Jesse.

"Hey Jesse," Jaden crooned in a soft, ukeish voice, "Notice something?"

"Um...let me think. Oh, I got it! Bastion hasn't shown up in this chapter!"

"Well, yeah, Jesse, but I meant something else. Notice how we're all alone? I'm kinda sick of cutting for now, so let's have some Magical Healing Angel Sex!"

And so they did.

Really REALLY The End (I think)


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Argh, I was so sure I'd finally gotten everything, but then came the flood of mpreg. I know I've mentioned mpreg before, but the Spiritshipping and mpreg combo seems to be SO prevalent, I realized it needed its own section of the story dedicated to it. It's going to be a two-part event (maybe even three parts, depending on how thorough a mocking job I decide on doing).

Dedicated to Chazzyluvergurl and AngelDuelist153, because they did most of the inspiration for this.

WARNING: MPREG MPREG MPREG! I repeat, this special is about a guy getting pregnant! But you'll have to ignore this warning when you actually read the story, since keeping it in mind would ruin the _suspense._

* * *

One day, Jaden had a stomachache. I repeat: he had a stomachache. Keep this in mind, because it is very important. But the author can't say _why_ it's important, because that would ruin the surprise!

One morning, as Jaden was moping around with his stomachache to keep him occupied, Jesse came back from the school store.

"Hey, honeycreampuff! Dorothy got an extra shipment of those spicy Doritos by accident, so she had a 2-for-1 sale. Now we'll have even more to eat when we watch the football game!"

Jaden slowly turned to look at his one true love of about nine weeks. His eyes were narrowed to slits, and there was some inexpicable fire surrounding his head.

"HOW DARE YOU!" he shouted, "HOW DARE YOU mock me with that FOOD while I'm cooped up at home with a stomachache! You insensitive JERK!" He then burst into uncontrollable, girly tears.

Jesse slowly backed away. He considered the situation for a while.

"So...you have a stomachache?" he said for clarification.

"Yes, Jesse," sniffled Jaden, "I have a stomachache. I repeat, just to make sure we're on the same page...my stomach hurts. Also, I have cravings for Pharaoh's cat food, but that's not as important as the stomachache."

"Okay, then. How about we go to the doctor!"

"You're a genius, Jesse. I would have never thought of that idea! Whee!"

And so they merrily skipped arm-in-arm to the doctor in a field of daisies. Well, to be honest, Jaden was doing most of the skipping.

* * *

"Note to self...find a way to get rid of all those daisies outside..." thought Ms. Fontaine to herself. A huge field of them had come out of nowhere, and three people had already been by to get medication for allergies.

But then her train of thought was broken as Jesse and Jaden walked into the building.

"My stomach hurts!" exclaimed Jaden proudly. Jesse sweatdropped and muttered, "Yeah...what he said."

"Hm...okay, I think I know what the problem is. Be right back!" said Ms. Fontaine. She walked out of the room, and returned exactly 115 seconds later with a pregnancy test. Both boys facefaulted.

When they finally recovered, Jesse asked, "Why would you need to test for that? Jaden's a guy...he can't get pregnant!"

Ms. Fontaine pouted.

"They can too!" she whined, "I saw it in a movie AND on the Internet, so it must be true! Besides, it's usually the first thing I test for anyway."

"So...you test for pregnancy even if someone comes here with a broken arm?" Jesse inquired.

"Yep!"

"Or if they were stung by a jellyfish?"

"Mm-hm."

"Or if they were hit by an ice-cream truck?"

"Of course! Though, I haven't been able to test that out yet. Bastion's the only person who's gotten hit by an ice-cream truck, and everyone knows he can't get pregnant."

"Why can't he?"

"He just can't, okay?! It would be, like, gross and weird and stuff! Now will you hurry up and take the damn pregnancy test already, Jaden?"

Jaden, not wanting to cause anymore trouble, took the test. When he got back from the bathroom, Ms. Fontaine analyzed the results.

"Well, you're pregnant!" she said brightly. "Better stock up on those diapers!"

Jaden's jaw dropped.

"What but I'm a guy" he said. Then he did a double-take as he realized that something had sounded off about that sentence.

Ms. Fontaine shook her head in sympathy.

"Yes, I was afraid of this. It's called Missing Punctuation Syndrome, or MPS. It is a very common side effect of male pregnancy. It should clear up after the birth, though."

"Is it just a coincidence that it has the same letters as PMS?" asked Jesse. Ms. Fontaine did not have an answer for that.

"Oh well Jesse I guess we have to make the best of it. A baby is a gift from heaven after all" intoned Jaden.

"Um...Jaden, how about you let me do most of the talking for a while, okay?"

"Okay"

Then they left.

* * *

Of course, they had to share this wonderful news with the whole school. So the next day they called an assembly.

"Guess what, everybody! Jaden's pregnant even though he's a guy!" Jesse said in an excited voice.

"Yeah" Jaden added helpfully.

The audience looked rather underwhelmed. A cricket started chirping. Finally Chazz said, "Jesus Christ, you brought us all here just to tell us THAT? We all saw that coming from a mile away! Next time, at least try to tell us something interesting! Geez, I'm out of here!"

He stomped out of the room, and eventually the rest of the people followed suit.

"Well that didn't go too well did it" Jaden asked..or rather, stated.

"No, Jaden, I'm afraid not. But don't worry...I'm sure they'll be excited about the wedding!"

"Oh yeah I forgot about the wedding. Can we have chocolate cake"

"Anything for you, my expectant angel!"

So they skipped off through yet another field of daisies to plan their wedding and their new life together. But little did they know that this was just the beginning of their trials!


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: Not too much to say here. I do offer my sincere apologies to any readers who happen to be fans of _Twilight_. I was just trying to have a bit of fun. :P

Jesse was so close...he could sense it. His motions became faster; more frantic. Sweat rolled down his face, but he was much too preoccupied to wipe it away. Almost there...he couldn't bear this movement for much longer, but at the same time he never wanted it to end.

And then...it was all over. Jesse let out a cry of triumph as he reached the climax. After the thrill subsided, he fell back on the bed to rest his spent body.

Jaden smiled angelically at him.

"Jesse that was amazing" he said.

Jesse beamed at the praising of his skills.

"Wasn't it? No one can mash the A-Button faster than me! I am the undisputed Mario Party master!"

"You look so sexy when you play video games jesse. Lets skip in a field of dais..."

* * *

"ENOUGH WITH THE MOTHERFUCKING DAISIES ALREADY!" screamed a disgusted audience as one. They then brought out their flamethrowers and burned all daisy fields within a hundred-mile radius to ashes.

* * *

"...on second thought maybe that was a bad idea."

Jesse was deep in thought for a few minutes. What other activities could they do that were safe for his delicate, pregnant boyfriend? Could they play tennis? No...that was MUCH too risky. Jaden might get hit in the stomach with a tennis ball. Maybe they could go get a snack at Dorothy's shop? Maybe...no wait, that was dangerous too. What if a box of booster packs fell off a shelf and hit Jaden in the head?

Finally, he thought he got an idea.

"Hey Jaden...wanna go to the beach?"

"Yay the beach" said Jaden in a supposedly enthusiastic voice. He started to rush out the door, but Jesse grabbed him by the arm to hold him back.

"Wait a minute! Not before I put on your sunscreen! We don't want the baby getting a sunburn, after all."

"Your mean..."

JESSEXJADEN FOREVER LOLOLOLOL

Half an hour and three bottles of sunscreen later, Jesse finally let Jaden go. Jaden bounded out with his now completely white skin and pink ruffled bathing suit with a big red heart over his tummy bump.

But things did not quite go as planned. Because as Jesse was spreading out the towel, who should they run into but Chazz! Over the past several weeks, Chazz had been planning his elaborate REVENGE! Why? Because he just wanted to, that's why! One day he had woken up and randomly realized that he hated Jaden, and since then it had been his one dream to make Jaden as miserable as possible. Oh yeah, and he didn't like Jesse that much either.

Chazz snickered at the thought of his own genius as he watched Jaden make a sand-castle. He could just do the easy thing and kick the sand castle into pieces...but where was the originality in that? No, he had a plan that was unbeatable!

While Jesse was off buying fat-free frozen yogurt, Chazz sidled up to Jaden.

"Hi, Jaden..." he said in a voice dripping with malicious intent.

But Jaden was too innocent to notice said malicious intent. He looked up at Chazz with a trusting smile and huge, sparkly chibi eyes.

"Hi Chazz" he replied as he stuck his thumb cutely in his mouth, "Im making a sand castle. Want to help"

Chazz snickered...evilly, of course. It looked like the MPS had turned Jaden's brain to innocuous mush. This was going to be easier than he had ever anticipated!

"Sorry, Jaden, but no can do. I have more EVIL things to do!"

"Thats nice. In that case Ill tell you when Im done with this so you can see it."

Ha! This was going to be such a blast! Now, Chazz just had to hope that Jesse would stay away long enough for him to complete his REVENGE!

JESSEXJADEN FOREVER LOLOLOLOL

At the ice-cream store:

Jesse tapped his feet impatiently.

"Adrian, will you please stop holding up the line already? My frozen yogurt is melting here!"

Adrian shook his head

"But I have to buy every flavor of ice cream in the store! How else will I prove my undying love to Kirai? I'm going to build her the world's largest ice-cream sundae...of _love_!"

"But what about Ekou?"

"Duuhh....who's Ekou? Kirai is the only girl who has ever meant anything to me!"

Jesse facepalmed. _Oh brother..._

JESSEXJADEN FOREVER LOLOLOLOL

"And now, Jaden...you shall PAY for the wrongs you've done me! Even though I'm not sure what those are..."

Jaden had finally caught on to the whole malicious intent thing.

"Chazz plz don't hurt me."

"I'm sorry, but I don't understand chatspeak. Now...look upon the intrument of your demise!"

He triumphantly brandished a sheet of paper. And it was not just any paper...it was the shiny kind of paper that gives the nastiest paper cuts!

Jaden's eyes widened in terror, but he held his ground.

"Your not going to get away with this chazz. Ill fight you"

He raised his hand to defend himself, but Chazz caught him by the wrist. Oh no! He was trapped! Well, forget about fighting back...there was no way he could ever escape from being held by his _wrist!_

Chazz lifted the piece of paper to Jaden's pointer finger, and proceeded to give him a reasonably nasty paper cut. Jaden sobbed in pain as he gazed upon the 1 ½ drops of blood that had been shed.

"So...are you ready to concede defeat _now_, Jaden?"

"Never"

"Well, then...you leave me with no choice. I was wondering whether this would be too cruel, but it seems that nothing else will work."

And with that, he pulled out a copy of _Twilight_. Jaden's horror was so great, he used exclamation points.

"NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! NOT THAT!!!!!"

"Yes, Jaden...THAT! Pick your poison. Choose a page, any page, and I'll start reading from a random spot on it! PH34R."

"Cant we read some nice Vogon poetry instead"

"Nope! I'd be letting you get off easy if I did that. Since you don't seem to be willing to pick a page, I'll have to do it for you."

He flipped to Page 118, ran his finger down to a likely-looking paragraph, and opened his mouth. Fortunately, Jesse came to the rescue at just the right instant to save his love from a fate worse than death! (That, and this author has no idea what's on Page 118.)

When Jesse saw Chazz's method of torture, he was trembling in anger.

"Now Chazz," he said in a low voice, "I knew that you didn't like Jaden much, but this..this is just _low_ even for you."

And with that, he threw his semi-melted frozen yogurt cones into Chazz's face.

"Curses, foiled again!" Chazz hissed. "Well, mark my words, I shall be back in the next chapter!"

"But what if the author never writes another chapter, Chazz?" Jesse said tauntingly.

"FUCK YOU!" Chazz screamed in reply as he ran for the hills.

Jaden and Jesse shrugged at each other.

Finally, Jaden said, "Hey jesse do you wanna help me finish the sand castle"

"That sounds like a great idea, sugarfairyheart! But we'll have to make sure to finish it before it gets dark. I don't want you to catch a chill."

"You mean...before it's _twilight?"_

"Ha, Jaden, you're such a smart-aleck! But that's why I love you."

And with that, Jesse went off to get water for the moat.

THE END

* * *

EPILOGUE:

Back at the ice-cream store:

"What do you mean, Adrian bought all the Rocky Road?!" howled Bastion in anguish.


End file.
